STINGY JACK & THE JACK O' LANTERN

Long ago in Ireland, there was a slumbrous, soiled settlement. In it there lived a frightful, foul-smelling, long-legged, lean guzzler called Stingy Jack. He wasn’t held in high regard by the townsfolk, in fact, he was disliked. Disliked so much so that even the Devil was jealous of Jack’s bad reputation. 

Summer had thoroughly dried everything out & a cold blanket returned over the land as the night fell. One day as the sun set, the Devil sat at the Crooked Path roadhouse, drinking & overhearing conversations. 

The Devil listened to many stories of the devious deeds of Jack. How he would borrow things without asking & not return them, how he owed everyone money, how he had thirteen children, all by different mothers that he avoided, how he kicked dogs. How he pissed in the sink, how he drank out of the milk jug, how he never wiped his bottom, how he stole grandma’s best silver. The Devil decided he must have this fellow’s soul. 

Jack may have been a low-down bastard, but he was also quite clever. He managed to live as he pleased, never working a day in his life. Jack slept in a barn on the hay with the animals.  

In the dead of night, the Devil entered the barn to collect Jack’s soul. Terrified, Jack successfully made the case that the least the Devil could do was allow him to have a final drink. 

That night, the Devil walked with Jack to the Crooked Path roadhouse. Jack drank more & faster than he ever had before. He lined up empty pints in front of him as the Devil paced back & forth. Just watching Jack drink that much, created a great call of nature in the Devil.

While the Devil was relieving himself, the barkeep scowled at Jack, having promised he would never let this scoundrel darken the door again, & the company he kept! Nothing but trouble.

Jack finished his last beer & of course he had no money for the tab. The Devil returned & impatiently told Jack to settle. “But I have no money. Would you pay it for me?”

The Devil turned redder than usual, “What do I look like? I have no money either.” He admitted.

“They won't let us out the door without paying. Unless you want a brawl with the watch, you'd better turn into some money.”

The Devil stamped his foot & obliged, transforming into a golden disk & he spun as he did so.

Jack grabbed the Devil coin & put it into his pocket alongside his trusty silver crucifix, thereby trapping the Devil. Jack left the Crooked Path without paying, because he was good at these things.

Outside, the Devil begged & pleaded to be freed. Only upon agreeing to leave Jack alone for thirteen years was he released. Taking out the crucifix, the Devil came spinning out of Jack’s pocket & ran off.

Exactly thirteen years later, the Devil found Jack (a little worse for wear, still wearing the same falling-apart clothes) stumbling home from the pub. With a heavy sigh, Jack looked at the Devil knowing full well that he intended to settle his debt & drag him to hell. 

“I have a final request.”

“Of course you do.” Said the Devil, looking to the heavens.

“Grab me a crisp apple from that tree over there, I’ll be ready to go with you after I eat it.”

Overly eager to finally take Jack to Hell, the Devil hastily climbed the tree, heading towards the best-looking apple remaining. While the Devil was climbing, Jack took his pocket-knife & deeply carved a cross into the trunk. The Devil could not cross the cross. He was trapped again!

The Devil begged & pleaded & only upon agreeing to never take Jack’s soul to hell was he released.

“I hope to never see you again!” yelled the Devil as he galloped off.

Many years later, Stingy Jack took his last breath in the barn & died. His soul left his body & went to paradise. St. Peter refused him entrance into heaven for all his wrongdoing. “You’re a deadbeat. You’re not even committed enough to anything to be evil, be gone.” 

Defeated, Stingy Jack wandered down to Hell. The Devil refused him entrance. “I’ve had enough of you & I keep my word. You’re not welcome here.”

“What will I do? I have no resting place.”

“This will light your way, wherever you roam.” The Devil gave Jack an ember ablaze with hellfire. 

“It burns! How will I hold it?”

“Figure it out, you’re the clever one.” 

Jack carved a turnip as a skull to hold the flame & placed the light into the lantern.

Poor Jack was stuck roaming the earth with only a carved turnip glowing with hellfire to light his way. Finally, all the essence of Jack faded away from his soul. When Stingy Jack ceased to be, Jack of the Lantern began. 

As the year dies, keep an eye out for a restless wandering light every time you see a Jack O’ Lantern, for it may just be the hellfire glow from Jack’s lantern cursed to walk the earth between Heaven & Hell.

x SEAN

FROM THE SEAN ÄABERG HALLOWEEN BOOK